Publish.

Every time I sit down to write, because I just love to write, I then get bogged down with this idea that I need a plan. I need to lay out how I want this blog to go, what I am going to discuss, instead of it just being a forum of "life happening."

Because...Life. Is. Happening.

The last time I sat down to write I had a 4 month old. Today - I sit here with a 9 month old.

The last time I sat down to write I was still trying to get in the swing of things of balancing work, life - mom life (to a 5 year old and baby), wife life - and I am still deep in the throes of that.

I think what I figured out, and I continually figure out is that there is NO GOOD TIME TO JUST SIT DOWN AND WRITE.

And then the next piece comes along with thoughts of "who is going to read this," or "am I too whiny?" or "is someone going to use this information against me?"

 And then I remember - I already have gone down that road. At an old job I had, someone who used my "old blog" and brought it to the administration because I vented about when I was fired.

 And then in my previous marriage, my ex-husband took my journal out of my bag, and flipped through it to find something that he thought he should know about.

 So suddenly journaling and expressing my feelings feels forbidden. But it is not.

I continually ask myself "is this a safe place?" Is this somewhere where I can be "me" to hopefully help others.

And yes, that is what I want this to be. I want to let the words flow. I want to go back to who I am when it comes to blogging.

But then there is that word that I am supposed to push at the end... "publish." And then there is the thought of sharing this post on my social media accounts and I absolutely freeze up.

So what do I do? Do I have a voice? A message to share with people? I think I do. But I don't know how to start. I don't know how to share. Because I'm scared.

Sharing is scary. Tell a preschooler or kindergartner that they need to share their favorite toy, and the act of it can be terrifying. If they share something, will the get it back? Or will the other child break it or take it as their own?

They might.

But if you share, the best things can also happen.

You can find a community. You can find that the other person you "shared" with has a similar story, Likes the same things as  you, and/or takes good care of your information, or in the example above, a toy. Or you can share with someone and find out that they are starting to go through the same thing as you and does not know how to take the next step.

And then from that, you can gain so much.

Do I risk it? What do I do?

 All I can do is hit publish and share.

(This last meme definitely describes my "thoughts!" Haha!)