The Mended Pieces

It's been awhile, but I am back to my writing ways after taking an unplanned break. Life just happens and writing has seemed to take a back seat for me, which is too bad, because I really like to write! So I am going to TRY to make time for it once again, but bear with me, as I feel a bit rusty writing anything other then recommendation letters for fellows to get into different programs or get a job. :) We just returned from our trip to what I believe to be a heaven sent location - Sunset Beach, North Carolina. We spent the week dodging rain showers, playing in the waves, and "resting" on the beach with 2 six year olds and an almost 2 year old. (In other words, we were "go go go from sun up to sun down and there was no such thing as resting!) One of the greatest blessings of my life in the past 3 years or so is rediscovering myself. For so long I lived in the shadow of what made me "tick," and finding who I really am has been the most amazing thing. ...

It's been awhile since I have posted, and not for a lack of words, but more due to a lack of...umm....time. Remember that elusive thing called "time?" I was talking to a student today who helps me with a program at my job, and she graduates tomorrow from the U with a degree in engineering. She has spent her time at school doing project after paper after project, and being busy roughly about 23 hours of the day. She was telling me how she just moved home, where she plans on living for roughly a year, and she has a job that starts in mid June, and she has NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH HER TIME. Yes, that's right, she goes home in the evening and sits and sleeps, and maybe hits up the gym - but then what? I mean seriously, we were talking about it is almost a form of depression because you go from being so busy to so....not. And then I think about this thing called "time" and how I do not have any of it. I seriously barely am able to go to the bathroom by myself ...

Today I want to have a temper tantrum. A good ol' fashioned lay on the floor, kick my legs, scream, and a stomp up the stairs. I want to slam my bedroom door, plop on my bed - face buried in my pillow - and cry. I want to lay on the floor for the work it was to lug our winter jackets and all of the things from the pool area into the Family Locker Room after swimming (because mommy forgot the lock for the locker) with Zoey and Logan and there not being a changing room available in the locker room after swimming. For having to stand there with items in my arms, 1 year old running around and 6 year old trying to hug/carry his sister constantly and trying not to lose my cool while I stood there and waited. For the family that tried to budge in front of me that clearly got in the locker room AFTER ME and tried to take MY dressing room. Please, don't even. I want to kick my legs up in the air and on the floor for the McDonald's drive thru when we stopped to get a healthy l...

Hey you... Yes. I'm talking to you. The one reading all of my social media, perusing my social media, wondering what happened to me. I see you. I see you reading my posts, looking at my Facebook, combing my Instagram - wondering how me, the person you thought you knew got divorced, remarried, and had a kid. I know you have questions for me. I know you want to know what went wrong, what did he do wrong, what did I do,  were you engaged before you found out your pregnant (yes), or what type of information I'm going to share on here. I'm going to tell you this.... It's none of your business. I have been through a lot. My 1st marriage was a series of happy Facebook posts and pretending like I had it altogether. My inside (sad, upset, depressed, anxious) did not match my outside (fake happy! the pictures!). Psst. Can I tell you a secret? Actually - it is not really a secret....MY INSIDES MATCH MY OUTSIDES NOW! My insides are happy! Excited! Can't wait to se...

What do you do when.... ...you are driving with your one year old down the highway (Just you and her) and you are on your way to the doctor's office, and your daughter is coughing so hard and she throws up all over herself? And let's just say, she throws up curdled whole milk...and oh yeah, you pulled the extra set of clothes out of her diaper bag the other day because you wanted her to wear the cute baby "joggers." ...you are out shopping with your one year old and you have to go the bathroom and you have no stroller, you can't bring the cart into the bathroom, and your daughter gets into everything? (do you have her sit in your lap when you go to the bathroom? I mean, were these restrooms designed by a MAN!?) Or...you stop at a gas station on your way to camping in Itasca, and you have to change the baby's diaper, so you get out the changing pad, put it on the floor of the dingy bathroom (that is surprisingly clean). Change her diaper, and then you hav...

I am only a month and a half into having a kid in elementary school, and I have already figured out one thing - I cannot keep up. I can be sent reminders a million times but I STILL FORGET. I am going to blame it on having a one year old and a Kindergartner - the distance  between the two can be mind numbing, but really, I think it is more of a personal problem. The fourth week of school, I sent Logan to school on a Monday with his Friday folder STILL in his backpack, totally intact. In other words, my husband flipped through the folder on Friday night and ended up putting it back in his backpack to keep it away from Zoey. Well, there it sat...and was sent back home again on Monday night with Logan exclaiming "MOM, You forgot to take the papers out so my teacher sent it back home." Or maybe it was this past week, when it was "orange day" at school to promote unity. I KNEW I should have invested in that $10 shirt sold through the school so we wouldn't forget,...

Dear Logan, Today (10/16) you are 6 years old!! I cannot believe how BIG you are getting (and honestly, where has the time gone!?). You and I didn't get to start out where other mothers and sons do, that is, in talking about the day you were born. Instead, our story started when I met your daddy, and shortly thereafter, I met you. When I met you,  you were just 3 years old + a few months. You already had been through a lot in your short little life, more then ANY kid should have to go through. I remember, I shared a "cutie" orange with you, and you played with some planes you had with. The 2nd time I saw you, I brought you a garbage truck Duplo, and I think I pretty much won you over with that gift. You had a TON of toys (still do), and your house was a mess of your toys (ours still is). Our relationship has grown, to the point where I got to marry you in May of 2015 (daddy is still waiting for you to pay him for your part of the ring! ;) ). You have taught me abo...

Dear Zoey – Today you are one year old. 365 days have passed since you entered the world, and it has been by far some of the best and hardest days of my life. I remember being told on Friday afternoon, September 18, 2015, my dad (your grandpa’s) birthday, that my blood pressure was too high at 2 consecutive readings and they wanted to induce me the following day. I remember leaving elated, but overwhelmed because you were going to be 2 weeks early! I remember leaving with your daddy from the doctor’s office, trying to make plans of what we needed to do in the next 24 hours before we could check into the hospital to meet you. I remember calling my mom (your grandma) and freaking out because we were going to meet you. And then also calling your “bonus” grandparents, Grandma and Grandpa Lauer, to ask them if your brother could come to their house last minute to spend the weekend with them (which worked out perfect because they wanted him to come with t...

Right now, I am sitting with my daughter, rocking her in her room, and I am stressed out. Stressed because I had 2 mini snicker bars and coffee with creamer today...and a quarter of Logan's cookie from Panera. Stressed because I was going to have both kids in bed by 7:30. Had this little girl in bed by 7:20, kindergartner by 7:30, then baby woke up, so been rocking her on and off (because of course bedtime = party time to babies!) so now it is 7:55 and I'm still here. Stressed because I wanted to get up at 5am  to do a quick work out and the baby woke up at 4am  and fell back asleep at 5:15  and I did too, so no work out happened.  Stressed because I wanted to squeeze in a 30 minute work out, clean bottles, and pack lunches for  tomorrow  (and start studying for my GRE) before my husband gets home. Why am I so stressed about my body? As a woman in her early 30's I have this desire to have m...

Guys.... Life gets so busy. And then it is fall, and school is about to start, and you wonder - where is the first day of summer? Wasn't that just yesterday? I hate to break it to you, but that first day of summer was back in June. And now pools are closing up for the season, and you did not get to take advantage of them for another summer. It is getting dark earlier, so all of those walks and evenings you were going to spend on the deck after the kids went to bed to enjoy the summer sunlight, are gone. And suddenly, your schedule is busier then it was in the summer. Instead of one night of t-ball, there are swimming lessons to do in the evenings again, school and church activities, and your husband returns to class. That list you made at the beginning of the summer of all of the things you were going to accomplish - such as cleaning out some rooms and sorting through piles of papers, is getting tossed aside again. Because, well, time. But then you smell the leaves, t...

What a week this has been. For the past week, my little miss ZoZo has had a gastroenteritis something fierce.  I took her into the doctor last Tuesday as she was also running a fever, and then again on Saturday morning after a few sleepless nights of tummy pains, diarrhea (should I even utter that online??) and diaper rash. She is eating and drinking like a champ, so we have that - and her disposition is generally happy. But as I sit at work, I cannot help it but feel an extreme amount of guilt that I am not with her right now. My daycare is absolutely awesome. One of the teacher's sends me "snaps" during the day of Zoey, and keeps me updated if there is something that we are worried about. And right now, that worry is what is happening in that tummy and diaper of hers. I feel awful that daycare has to deal with all of her diapers, and that I am recommending new things to try. I wish I could just go and pick her up and take care of her and ultimately, just stay home wit...

Every time I sit down to write, because I just love to write, I then get bogged down with this idea that I need a plan. I need to lay out how I want this blog to go, what I am going to discuss, instead of it just being a forum of "life happening." Because...Life. Is. Happening. The last time I sat down to write I had a 4 month old. Today - I sit here with a 9 month old. The last time I sat down to write I was still trying to get in the swing of things of balancing work, life - mom life (to a 5 year old and baby), wife life - and I am still deep in the throes of that. I think what I figured out, and I continually figure out is that there is NO GOOD TIME TO JUST SIT DOWN AND WRITE. And then the next piece comes along with thoughts of "who is going to read this," or "am I too whiny?" or "is someone going to use this information against me?"  And then I remember - I already have gone down that road. At an old job I had, someone who used...

Every few days, since having a baby, I seem to go through this "how do I do everything that I want to do?" I usually cry erratically, have no desire to put my 5 month old down, and downright just want to hibernate! No, this is not postpartum depression, this is called "being a mom." Being a mom is incredibly rewarding, but it is also overwhelming, humbling, and messily wonderful. My expectations have changed drastically (read - LOWERED) when it comes to myself and my house, but have risen in other aspects (sorry husband!). I have read article after article about how stay at home moms are jealous of us working moms, and the same vice versa. I can tell you, from my viewpoint as a working mom that I do not know how I can do it all. My sense of cleanliness has plummeted. When I had my daughter I do not think my house was cleaned for about 2 months (ok...maybe more). I might clean a toilet here or there, or sweep the kitchen, but really cleaned? That was for the bird...

I didn’t plan to get divorced. It wasn’t part of the “plan” I “foresaw” for my life. I held onto my marriage for as long as I could. Faked my way through being happy, pretending everything was hunky-dory, even made up some stories along the way to make people think that I was ok, that our marriage was good. I told everyone how the first year of marriage was hard, but it seemed to get better in year two or three. If I’m being honest, that was a lie. It never got better. There were good days, maybe even a good week, but never a good “year.” It never got better. I told myself he needed to finish grad school, find a new job, we needed to add to our family, make more money – then finally, we would be ok, but it didn’t seem to come. I never told you about the tears. The anxiety. The pain. I never told you about how I would pray that the next year, the next month, the next week, the next day, the next hour – would be better. I would cry in the bathroom, the closet, next ...

 One year ago this week, my divorce was finalized. One year ago, and within the next 3 weeks, I was engaged to a widower. A lot of life has happened in the past 2 years and I am just beginning to catch up. I was remarried in May 2015, had my beautiful baby girl in September 2015 - and am now mother to a 5 year old and 3 month old. Life....the minutes on the clock...just tick tick tick. And here I am today - a result of the mended pieces with so much life in front of me, and so much, oh so much, behind me. This forum is for me to release all that has happened in my past, and how to deal with where things are at. My family situation is interesting, and one that you cannot find a lot about. I married a widower and I am also a result of a fairly young divorce. I created this blog a little while back in different blogging tools, and even wrote a first post, as I love to express myself through writing. It has taken me until today to feel like I can air what I want to air. Kn...